You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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