Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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