im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
