Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
