Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
