you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
