Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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