i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
