I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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