Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
