i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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