you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
