ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Can you bring me the toilet please
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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