so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize