So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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