I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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