That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
