cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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