She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
