i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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