i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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