I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
