for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
