i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
