He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
