i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
