im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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