Got a toothbrush?
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
