Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
