Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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