what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
