Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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