you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
