also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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