true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
