WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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