So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
