Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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