Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
