just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
