I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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