This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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