we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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