Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
