i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
