I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
