the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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