i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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