Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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