Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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