So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
