looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
