saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You are a genius and a whore.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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