I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
