I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
