My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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